After reviving the blog with my
last post, I typed up our whole birth story to share, but posting that alone will only sound like a sweet and fairy-tale like end to 2017 and I'd like to be more honest than that. Last year was a
really hard year for us. We found out we were pregnant in February and it nearly floored us. We'd been married for 6 years at that time and had just bought our first home and began to settle into life. While we were in a good place in life to begin a family, it really wasn't on our radar. We had both been students for most of our marriage, and we were looking forward to spending some real quality time with each other before we thought of kids. We had dreams of traveling, conquering more National Parks, and exploring more nooks and crannies of Birmingham. We were not thinking about kids. And while we congratulated our friends that were growing their families with baby one or baby two, we both were happy with our family just consisting of the two of us.
In February, when I held onto the home pregnancy test that said "Yes" (because I'm apparently too big of a skeptic to trust lines when it deals with additional humans), I cried. Hard. I'm hesitant to share this, because I know the struggle and heartbreak of infertility is so real to so many, and to some very near to us. All I could think is how
not ready I was for this change of life that was about to unfold. Physically, yes we were ready: we had a home to bring a baby into, I had a supporting husband to be a loving father, and we both had jobs to help support an addition. But mentally, I was not there, at all. I'm a planner, and this wasn't in my life plan. Not right now.
I questioned God so many times in 2017. Why us? Why now? Why a baby - a lifetime commitment? Why would You trust us with a new life? Why should I get to be a mother? Why do You give me this opportunity and not another woman who's heart has ached and longed for this for months or years? Why would you surprise me like this, God?
I'd love to share with you that He spoke to me and gave me some wise words to share with you, but I don't have specific answers to these specific questions. But what I did learn in 2017 is that God does not abide by our plans. We are not in control of this life, no matter what timeline we set for ourselves or what plans we lay out. God has His own outline, the original and official blueprints of our lives. He has a designed purpose for each of us, and his plans will reflect that. He is not surprised or taken aback by things unforeseen to us, because he knows already what is before us. I read of Jonah and his persistence to run from God because God's plan for him didn't meet Jonah's expectations. God was sending Jonah into a land that he had no intention to ever step foot in. But Jonah's purpose was to go and speak to Nineveh. You can choose to run or trust. My heart initially wanted to run. And by initially, I mean months. Months of people asking about our pregnancy and how excited we were, when deep down I was so uncertain of what was happening. By October the idea of her was so real, and I was coming around to the idea of having a daughter that I was definitely excited to meet her!
I still wonder why God would entrust me with this little girl. But then I look at her sweet face and see so much potential. And I've realized this plan of His is not only about me, or Jesse, but involves a beautiful story of Brenna and how he will use her for his glory. And that makes my heart swell. So whatever part of life you are in - whether you've been blindsided or you feel sunken down in a season of waiting, God is in control. He has plans for you, and they are bigger and greater than we could every imagine. It may not feel that way in the moment, but if we seek Him and his purpose for us, He can see us through our present.
photo credit: Asif Patel
