When I lose my vision

I titled this post before I started typing because it's the root of how I feel. Then I realized it's irony to my career choice and had to laugh a little. I wrote this post a few weeks ago in the midst of studying for midterms and preparing for a practical, when my classmates and I were stressed to the max. I've been hesitant about sharing, because it's revealing. But let's be real here for a little bit.

Optometry school has to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  You might think, it's just school. You just go, and study, and then your done...after a while.  Nope. Not really. It's the biggest challenge I've ever faced. Why? Because I lose sight of so many things while I try to keep my head above water.

On days like today, while I'm writing this, I've literally been doing school related things from 8am until right now (10:45pm).  I mean, I had lunch. And I did take the time to have dinner downstairs with our friends before Community Group. Which I arrived home just in time to throw some clothes in the laundry and walk downstairs to. Then I dipped out of the actual Bible study part of group to come back up to my desk and start my "homework."

Not everyday is like this. And there is plenty of my time I don't spend wisely.  But school seems to engulf me- some weeks with crashing waves. And many times I have reached the point where I just go to bed and start to cry because so many things seem out of whack in my life:
- not enough time spent with my husband
- not enough time spent reading my Bible
- not enough time to volunteer at church
- not enough time spent with my friends
- lack of sleep in general
- I'm behind. I'm always behind.
- I could go on, and on

And to be quite honest, I've wondered if I could quit. Could I just call this off? Walk away and pretend it never happened. That I never got this far. And then I think of all the other things I could do with my time. (This usually involves cooking and baking, and all the things I've saved on Pinterest; heck, maybe even taking up embroidery! Oh the things I could do!) Then Jesse reminds me that I have to tough it out for this part, this short little part of my career, to reach my real goal. A goal I've been hunting down for so many years. (He always seems to also mention the growing amount of loans... I don't blame him.)

But then I snap out of it (for a while) and remind myself that he is right. And I try to remember that all of this is part of my purpose. My God-given drive and passion. Because if it wasn't God behind all of this, I would drop it and walk away.  I love optometry and people, and want to love people through optometry.  I've learned through this journey the past couple of years that for me, it is definitely not about selfish ambitions, a title before my name, or the money I may make one day (which, by the way, insurance policies are slowly washing down the drain).  When I lose sight of this vision God has given me, I'm not trusting Him. I feel so alone in this because it feels like such a struggle, but really He has placed me here and knows my outcome. This is His plan for me, and this is how I can serve Him. If I could just remember that these long days and nights of studying are really worshiping and glorifying Him, maybe they would be more enjoyable.

Tim Timmons, a singer/songwriter that has been to our church in the past, sings beautiful reminders in this song.  If you watch the video, you'll see that Tim's struggle is much greater than my own, but this song is an inspiration to me, and I keep it on repeat in my car for my morning drive.

"Remind my soul that Your in control. Praise to the Father, with every breath I take. In joy and sorry, all for Your Kingdom's sake. Be thou my vision. Be thou my hope restored. Now and forever, you are my great reward."

I'm not looking for sympathetic words or for you to feel bad that I get discouraged.  I just wanted to point out that we lose sight of why we are doing what we are doing sometimes- the purpose behind it, and if it's the right thing or not. We get bogged down in what feels like a burden sometimes, but really it's just the path we are to follow, which is not always easy.
Spring break is next week and I'm planning to make the most of it, relaxing and renewing my mind for the end of this semester!